“Sarah Palin hired by Fox News in effort to regain its neutral position in politics”

In a stunning announcement, Fox News and Sarah Palin have come to an agreement that puts Palin on staff at Fox as a conservative commentator to their usually liberal news shows. “We needed something” admits Fox owner Rupurt Murdoch, “to counter-balance the tendency of our channel to be left leaning and progressive. Sarah Palin is the cure.”

The move is applauded by journalists the world round as being reactionary to the now obvious liberal bias observed at Fox. “We just need to keep things balanced”, said popular news anchor Glen Beck in a statement about the decision, “I expect she and I will knock heads often, but because I value journalistic integrity and despise propaganda, I have to affirm her place here.”

Bill O’Reilly agrees. “If Fox News is a boat in the ocean it is tilted toward the port-side. We have needed a serious weight to counterbalance that tilt and bring us back to center. Had we been any less left her presence would have capsized us on the right, we’d have gone right off the deep end if you know what I mean. Luckily we lean left.”

Few are critical of the deal since most acknowledge that recruiting Palin was counter-intuitive for both she and the network, but some have voiced concern. Alan Colmes, one of the many outward liberals on Fox, observed that Palin “is a failed Vice Presidential candidate, a failed Governor, a failed blogger, an inauthentic author, and an insane fringer who’s views are universally known to be brain poison and word vomit. And Fox is a conspiracy toting fraudulent news organization that only poses as legitimate. ” Pausing to breathe and wipe the sweat from his upper lip Colmes added, “This is fucking crazy.”

In the wake of his comment Fox has announced that Alan Colmes will no longer be employed at its network, replacing him with noted journalist and obsessively balanced thinker Dick Cheney.

Emerging Church, pronounced dead Thursday, missing from grave.

1/09/10

In a mysterious turn of events, the grave of recently deceased Emerging Church was discovered empty this morning after Church was buried Thursday afternoon. Speculation surrounds the sepulcher, with few credible witnesses to the event itself, but at this time there are several theories as to the disappearance of the body of Mrs. Church.

A frantic Phyllis Tickle claims to have seen an illumination hovering above Church’s grave around 1 this morning. “It was bright and glorious,” reports Tickle, “it seemed to dim for a moment as it paused over the grave- almost as if it were reading the head stone- then, it furiously exploded with light and the ground shook. I fell into a bush with all the commotion, but when I saw the grave again, the coffin was laying beside it, opened and empty.”

Others, like Church’s former husband Mark Driscoll doubt Tickle’s account. “She has said this sort of thing before. Phyllis has a terrible habit of imposing other’s narratives where they don’t belong. She’s only doing that again here.” Pressed to explain the disappearance, Mr. Driscoll offered that Emerging Church had many devoted friends who were in disbelief at her death. “They probably stole her body”, concluded Driscoll.

While authorities have begun a search for the body, opponents of Mrs. Church’s former social and theological efforts are decrying the implication that Emerging Church has risen from the dead. “What is she now some sort of zombie?” exclaimed one critic who wished to remain anonymous, “that’s just absurd”.

Still, rumors abound in the wake of this enigma. Reports now flood in of people having witnessed Emerging Church in a litany of locations. Some claim to have seen her in the American South, visiting Seminaries and disrupting congregational board meetings. Others say she has been observed at used book stores, browsing through well worn copies of Brian McLaren’s “A New Kind of Christian”. As of yet, no hard evidence of these encounters has been produced.

Reached for questioning as to the allegations that Emerging Church had in fact been risen from the dead by some supernatural phenomena and is now rifling though old copies of his book, Mr. McLaren had this to say: “I for one am not surprised that she is believed alive. Many have said that the last word in her story was ‘death’, but I have always held out hope that there was another word after that, that the story she found herself in, one that I have been lucky enough to share, was one of generosity and lasting change. Hope, as they say, dies hard.”

Left with only questions at this point and very few answers, the world stands in shock at this incredible mystery. Reports continue to come from almost every corner of the globe, people claiming to have witnessed Emerging Church in their communities and even in their living rooms. Some distinctly observing only a feature of Mrs. Church, a hand or a foot as she left a room, say that her presence, though not always conspicuous, is easily evident if you know what to look for. Time will tell it seems, as the world waits for the next chapter in this unique and captivating story.