As the vote to extend unemployment benefits comes up this week, Nevada Senator John Ensign notified his constituents that even though his state leads in unemployment, home foreclosures, and bankruptcies, he will not be supporting the bill to ensure the continued income of brow-beaten Nevadans.
"I recognize", said the Senator in a press conference Monday, "that folks in Nevada have been crushed under the weight of a recession they didn't cause. Homelessness, dire poverty, and the worst education system in America have all conspired to leave the people of my state hopeless and broken. Our fragile economy is on the brink of disaster, and many families are living on credit and payday loans just to stay in their homes and keep food on their tables. The people of Nevada are working class folks, the sort that have paid into the unemployment system for years and now when they need help the most, I am pleased to announce that I will be voting against the extension of that support."
A bewildered press corp asked the Senator to clarify, noting that it seemed preposterous to deny Nevadans the benefits they need to survive in the wake of such crippling circumstances. Mr. Ensign acknowledged the confusion and was happy to explain-
"A few years back I sold my soul to Satan and consequently owe my allegiance to the Dark Lord and whatever request he may make of me. As it turns out it serves his purposes to stabilize the national debt at the expense of American families, especially Nevadans who will soon be homeless in the 110 degree inferno that surrounds their under-valued houses outlying the vacuous, job absent city centers." Mr. Ensign added with a wink and a nod, "I'm just remembering who sent me to Washington to begin with."
Administration officials in Hell were unavailable for comment, but Mr. Satan's Twitter account said after the announcement, "H8 2 C Sen. Ensign blaming me 4 block on benefits vote, I do not assoC8 w him, and he has no soul to my knwldge. #JohnEnsighIsADouche"
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